In my experience, people do not know what to say or do when someone they love is hurting or suffering. I know that my friends wanted to help me during the hardest times of life. The problem is that when I was going through it, I didn’t know what I needed, and I really didn’t want to stop and think about what I needed. I just knew that I didn’t want to be asked. It sounds crazy, but I have a hard time asking others for help. Anyone else? Just me? So, I decided to write a list of five things that I believe were the most helpful to me.
Pray for Them
I heard a woman say this weekend that the Holy Spirit shows up first in prayer. We should be praying for our friends…not just talking about them. Pray specifically and consistently for them. Pray for comfort, understanding, and for their faith to stay strong throughout. When I couldn’t find the words to pray, I relied heavily on my friends to pray for me. James 5:16 says, “Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results.” I am part of a group of women who meet each week to pray for one another. During the toughest days, I would not miss a meeting, and I left our prayer time feeling strengthened and ready to face whatever was next. I encourage you to pray for your friends in need!
Show Up
Don’t wait to be asked. When someone is really hurting, they don’t know what they need. For example, when my dad was in his final days, I had friends show up with food to feed all the people at my house. If you are in Redlands, Oscars has these little burritos…and HELLO…they are manna from heaven. My neighbor showed up with two dozen! They were gone in minutes. Also, Panera was a Godsend, to-go coffee, bagels, and pastries kept everyone satisfied. Think about the kids too, stuff they can grab on their own, or can easily be packed in a lunch box for school. If their house is full of visitors, think about dropping off practical items like paper towels, toilet paper, etc.
Use your best judgement on the length of your visit. It might be a porch drop off, accompanied by a text. Or an hour sitting with your friend, not saying much. As a general rule, when you don’t know what to say, its best to say nothing. Just having a friend next to me during the final days and on the day he died gave me strength when I didn’t have any left.
Believe What They Say
If you ask a friend if they are ok, believe their answer. And try not to ask too many clarifying questions. This is an extremely sensitive time. Truly emotions fluctuate so quickly that my answer at 8am is not the same answer as 2 pm. Don’t have any expectation on how your friend should be feeling. In the beginning people expected me to be a mess, and if I wasn’t then I imagined they thought I was in denial. I often heard, “How are you doing?” After hearing my response, they would quickly say, “But how are you reallydoing?” I kept finding myself giving an answer I thought they wanted to hear, because my original answer didn’t meet their expectations.
“Comfort In, Dump Out”
Know where you are in the Ring Theory! The person most effected is the nucleus and is surrounded by concentric circles, each circle contains family and friends based on relational proximity. Know where you stand. This theory is based on the concept of “comfort in, dump out.” You cannot not emotionally vent or desire comfort from a person in a circle closer to the nucleus than you. And you can express your sadness or frustration to those in outer circles. The person at the nucleus has the freedom to let their crazy out as they wish and the rest of us just have to deal with it!
It’s a weird thing that when you lose a loved one, you become the person who comforts others. Trying to convince people that it’s going to be okay. It is exhausting! Below you will find the link to Susan Silk and Barry Goldman’s original article on the Ring Theory. It’s definitely worth a read!
Don’t Forget About Them
Be sensitive to the fact that life goes on around them, yet they may feel like they aren’t quite ready to start a new normal. The months that follow a loss are difficult. Send a card, a physical card, just to tell them that you are still thinking of them and love them. Drop off a latte just because. You never know which days are going to be good, which will turn out to be tough, or even which nights have been difficult to find sleep.
My dad passed away six weeks ago, and I recently received flowers from a friend. The card read, “We are thinking of you!” It meant so much that someone took the time to tell me that they still recognize that this could be a difficult time. I’ve had a friend just stop by with a hazelnut latte more than a couple times, as it would happen each time she did I was in need of caffeine and encouragement.
Not forgetting about your friend’s difficult time over the weeks, months, and years that follow is another way to ensure that they stay connected. It’s really easy to fall into isolation after all the dust settles. My friends who have reached out to me have helped me feel that my parents aren’t forgotten and neither am I.